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Your Leftie: A Care Guide
Commiserations! Your new Leftie is now ready for operation.

Below are the care instructions for your Leftie. Please read them before using your Leftie for the first time. Provided you follow these instructions you can look forward to many years of uninterrupted

Three-Year Warranty

Your Leftie comes with a three-year warranty. In the event you are dissatisfied with your Leftie for any reason during that period, please remember that you were dim witted enough to vote it in.

Care and Maintenance

Please follow the care instructions below in order to enjoy a long and frequently disappointing relationship with your Leftie.

Cleaning instructions: Your Leftie can be cleaned using a very wet cloth. But be careful about using solvents or strong spirits. When strong spirits or alcohol-based products are applied to your Leftie your Leftie may begin to become lecherous or lusty or emit noises difficult to silence. An alcohol-affected Leftie may emit unintelligible opinions, and should be ignored.

Handling: Your Leftie is fragile and will suffer if allowed out of its hermetically sealed box. It does not know life outside of the confines of a union or academia and most certainly should not be left around other people’s money. (OPM™)

Avoid strong light: Be careful about exposing your Leftie to direct sunlight. If exposed, Lefties could emit high pitch cries for ill deserved entitlement and dazzling hypocrisy.

Servicing: Your Leftie need to be regularly serviced. Thankfully Lefties are universally equipped to utilise both recharging sockets to ensure maximum performance.


WARNING

YOUR LEFTIE PRETENDS TO LIKE MINORITIES AND DIVERSITY BUT ONLY IF IT AGREES WITH THEM. THE PRETENCE IS ONLY TOLERATED FOR USE AS VOTING FODDER ©

DO NOT PUT REMOVE YOUR LEFTIE FROM ITS COMFORTABLE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS ENVIRONMENT. A LEFTIE WILL ATTEMPT TO CAMOUFLAGE ITSELF IN LOWER CLASS ENVIRONS FOR USE AS VOTING FODDER. ©



Troubleshooting guide

My Leftie will not work: Check to see whether your Leftie has been switched to the hypocrisy setting . This setting will be indicated by even minuscule exposure to unions and benefit entitlement. Despite having never in its life done a hard day's labour, your leftie may while switched to hypocrisy opining loudly about the greed of the working and upper classes. If this occurs immerse your Leftie in champagne until the crying stops.

My Leftie is making a whining noise: All lefties at one point or another will release whining noises depending on the mood of the day. Often this can be stopped with vigorous amounts of other people’s money (OPM) ™

My Leftie is turning into a Tory: Your Leftie will usually after a number of years automatically switch into Tory mode, often after leaving academic or union based environs and becoming self reliant.

My Leftie is trying to rig an election: This is standard operating procedure. Similar models such as “Chavez”, “Mugabe” and “Jong Il” already use this OS.

Flogged in full from the esteemed Mr Heine without apology.

Meanwhile being the balanced blogger that I am, should you wish to see a slightly different perspective, "How to care for your Tory" is available via Google.